How to Fix Your Communication

 We’ve all been there: a minor disagreement over dinner plans or a missed chore suddenly spirals into a major argument—or worse, total ice-cold silence.

But arguments aren't what destroy relationships; it’s how we argue. Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman discovered four specific negative communication styles so destructive he named them the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse." If left unchecked, these four habits predict relationship failure with over 90% accuracy. Here is how to spot and stop them.

Horseman 1: Criticism

Criticism is attacking a person's character rather than their behavior (e.g., "You always forget..." vs. "I'm upset the dishes aren't done"). This is when you attach the behavior you don’t like with who they are as a person, rather than being upset of 

 The Antidote: Gently stating what you need without criticizing who they are. For example, I could say “I’m upset because I was hoping you would make the bed like I asked earlier”.

Horseman 2: Contempt

This is the most destructive horseman. It's communicating from a place of superiority (mockery, eye-rolling, sarcasm). The relationship would crumble if there are constant feelings of superiority or as though the other person does not matter. 

The Antidote: Building a culture of appreciation. If that culture is built throughout time, then when upsetting things come, because they will come up, you can still love and appreciate them as your partner.

Horseman 3: Defensiveness

This horseman is described as meeting a complaint with an excuse or playing the innocent victim (e.g., "It's not my fault, I was busy!"). I’ve definitely done this where I felt accused of being biased during a disagreement with my husband. We talked about whether we want our kids to be homeschooled versus public schooled. We grew up differently so we were talking about our experiences and thoughts about each side. My sweet husband told me that I was being biased towards one, and I immediately went defensive. I started attacking him and trying to prove that I was in the right. And let me tell you, that conversation didn’t go anywhere during that moment.

The Antidote: Taking responsibility for even a small part of the problem. This shows that both sides of the conversation can improve to make things better for everyone.

Horseman 4: Stonewalling

Stonewalling is shutting down, withdrawing, or physically/emotionally tuning out during a conflict. I’m very guilty of this one. When I would get upset, I would want to stop talking and think in my head. To my husband, it made him feel as though he messed up or made him more upset.

The Antidote: Physiological soothing (taking a 20-minute break to calm down). Sometimes you may need a few minutes to figure out your thoughts and calm down. However, it’s important that you communicate with your partner PRIOR to when this happens. Letting them know how you process information or situations will help them better understand what they can do to help.

Recognizing these patterns is the first step to breaking generational communication habits and saving marriages, friendships, or workplace dynamics. Conflict is natural, but how you fight matters. 

Which horseman do you catch yourself using most?